Top 10 Worst Songs of 2017 - Ricky Lai

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I’d like to think of 2017 as a year where I had very positive experiences with new music – but then again, I say this for every year, so it’s almost as if the introductory statement means nothing. Believe me, I mean it when I say it.

Before I start reflecting on my favourite musical moments of the year, there is an unfortunate but inevitable process that I must get through; the not-so-favourite stuff. So here we are.

Top 10 Worst Songs of 2017

As we are discussing ‘songs’ here, I must judge the songs by themselves. This is a hard thing to establish as this means I will be neglecting entries such as Lil Pump’s “Gucci Gang” as a contender for the list. For that case in particular, my dislike for Mr. Pump’s mixtape came from every track collectively. As such, some albums which I gave less-than-positive reviews to this year may not get represented on a list about individual songs because what made me recoil may have been the sum of its parts. I hope that makes sense.

If not, I’m sorry.

This is a list about the specific songs that made my stomach flip over and not in a smitten way either. No butterflies in my tummy – only termites from here on out, pal.

Disclaimer: I have strictly forbidden the inclusion of these popular ‘YouTuber diss tracks’ that were quite popular this year; I cared too little to keep up with many, if any, and even I did I have a bizarre feeling they would fill up most of the list. Nick Crompton is a good soul, however, and he deserves to be spared the scrutiny.

...I’ve rambled.

#10: Missio (feat. SHUG) – “KDV”

Nothing gobsmacks you more than starting off a song with a croakedly delivered line like “Killing Darth Vader with my mother-fucking kick drum!”. I don’t know its relation to the rest of the song, but if it attempts to sound epic, it misses the mark by a long shot, implying that it even aimed in the first place.

Amazingly, Imagine Dragons’ “Thunder” didn’t have the corniest hook of the year.

I wish the song was its EDM-inspired hook by itself. I could laugh. Unfortunately, it continues with a sleepy verse that sounds like it was pulled from an entirely different Missio song.

The band tend to work with a moody indie synth pop sound and many of their singles were rather obnoxious too, but “KDV” broke from these chains and tried something bigger, bassier, more ambitious. Then they dropped a line about Darth Vader and addressed their “haters”. Intimidating? Whether it was meant to be or not, it isn’t.

#9: Eminem – “Offended”

Eminem’s latest album Revival was a disastrous return to the workshop. If anything, it proved he had long since passed his prime and if there was any big fear I had when it was announced, it was that the rapper would once again attempt to channel the ‘edgy’ and ‘silly’ personality again. It is no longer a time when these moments of Eminem’s would come across as shocking as they would have in the 90’s or early 2000’s, and would instead seem like awkward attempts to be ‘offensive’. When he kicked a verse on Big Sean’s “No Favors” earlier in the year, this was very much the case.

The hook is cut into the track so roughly, it’s as if pieces of another track were stitched together uncleanly. That isn’t even mentioning how awful the hook itself actually is – sung to the tune of “The Worm Song” and lives up to that level of maturity by genuinely inviting us to “eat my turds”.

“'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)”

I’m offended, but not for the reason he might have wanted.

Eminem will break into a rapid flow at some point during the track, as if that could make up for what I’d sat through for the last few minutes. But oh well, he’s the ‘rap god’. Maybe he can say whatever he wants.

#8: Macklemore (feat. Dan Caplen) – “Intentions”

Is Macklemore trying to be seen as the ‘good guy’? It seems plausible, despite the fact that Gemini had some of the corniest songs of the year. At least I’ll still be having a good laugh at the ridiculous hook of “Willy Wonka”, y’know? I feel like I can enjoy that song for its unfortunate amount of confidence in yelling out a line like “bitch, I’m Willy Wonka!” as if it were a bragging right.

Ehh… actually, I take that back, it is actually quite intimidating.

“Intentions” is a shy acoustic guitar-based track where Macklemore attempts to reason with himself and his inner dilemmas – ones that will truly be ‘relatable’.

“I want world peace, but I wanna watch Worldstar,
I know that I should stay home, and still wanna kick it where the girls are.
I wanna be a feminist, but I'm still watching porno,
I wanna eat healthy, but I'ma eat this DiFiornos.”

I almost screamed.

Mind you, Macklemore puts up a selfless attitude when presenting these problems, and as he goes on to address “justice” and “the earth” and the “the eco” it seems like he is genuinely trying to step towards self-improvement and let his audience know that addressing these ‘dilemmas’ bring you closer to solving them.

Until the final verse.

“Apology's my middle name and one day, I will change.
But I'm okay with who I am today,
I'm okay with who I, who I am today,
I'm okay with who I am today,
I'm okay with who I, who I am today.”

Oh dear, I guess nothing got solved after all.

#7: Fall Out Boy – “Young & Menace”

While Missio took the award for corniest hook of the year, Fall Out Boy took credit for the most annoying. While I hear themes of ‘conflicted feelings’ and ‘inner chaos’ being discussed to defend the song’s chopped-up, glitchy vocal manipulations on the chorus… it still sounds annoying. That and the lyrics don’t hold those themes very strongly in the first place, so I don’t see it as an excuse.

There’s something so unpleasant about the combination of those screechy vocal clips, sporadic pauses and the overblown instrumental backing it. “Young And Menace” holds its flaws in how the music sounds alone, and its break-down chorus sounds horrifically out of place in a song that is otherwise very poppy.

#6: Lil Yachty – “Bring It Back”

Believe me, I would love to love Lil Yachty. I feel his personality is goofy enough for me to like instantly, but so often his auto-tuned trap ballads leave too much to be desired in the “not grating my ears to shreds” field. As much optimism I had about Teenage Emotions, that album was bloated with some of the boat’s worst lyrics, and in general, songs.

“Bring It Back” was a single from the album that crumbled within seconds. Taking on that 80’s synth pop style that many artists are harking back to as of recent, Yachty falters by bringing his autotuned singing into the mix, where it sounds muddy and smudged like pastels on a paper canvas. There’s colour here, but it’s all mixing into a big, messy puddle.

All over the track are awkward pauses during the chorus that make the song feel empty, even unfinished, and during later choruses are layers of singing and scatting that all bleed into one another. It’s such an awful song that the saxophone solo near the end can’t save it.

#5: Arcade Fire – “Electric Blue”

Oh, I wish this didn’t need to be.

It shouldn’t need to be said that Canadian band Arcade Fire have released some of my favourite albums of all time. Unfortunately, it’s become apparent that these moments are well in the past now, as their attempts at a pop sound have been mixed. Although I enjoyed Reflektor a little bit, it wasn’t until Everything Now where an actual nosedive took place with some of the worst songs the band has released to date.

Still, there’s a goofy charm I can come back to with “Chemistry” and “Infinite Content”, and despite how much I recoil when reading the lyrics of “Creature Comfort”, instrumentally it holds more potential as a song than most on the album.

“Electric Blue” was the one true offender on the album, and I struggled to sit through all four of its screechy minutes. Regine Chassagne has been a fantastic singer on some of Arcade Fire’s most emotionally potent tracks (from the crushingly sad “In the Backseat” to the triumphant opening lines of “Mountains Beyond Mountains” which get me wanting to groove like mad), but it’s either that her soprano vocals here are off-key, or the cloudy mixing has smudged the singing to a ear-grating degree. Even worse, it’s probably both.

So imagine these issues taking place on a hook where “na-na-na-na-na” singing is taking place.

Again, this is a case where the song is flawed from sound alone. It hurts to say this about a band I have loved even through their most hit-or-miss material, but “Electric Blue” is Arcade Fire’s most annoying song yet, and one of the most annoying songs I heard all year.

Their cover of Lorde's "Green Light" was also very bad, too.

#4: Joan of Arc – “Smooshed That Cocoon”

With all the albums I listened to this year, very few had an opening track that gave me the urge to throw my headphones off immediately. It was almost funny, because it begins with several voices singing “what the fuuuuuuuuck?” to the sound of atonal beeping and drumming surging in like you’d drowned in a pool of dial-up modems. It could be intentional, but it’s nice to think about a song with the ability of inadvertently describing itself.

Nah, I have nothing else. This song sounds terrible. It’s absurdity in its most unappealing form, and it’s telling me that its “belly button is an eyelid”.

#3: AJR – “I’m Not Famous”

“Where my haters? Where my haters?

I don’t got ‘em, I’m not famous.”

Oh no.

The pop trio AJR have music plagued by the hopes of creating something self-aware and critical, separating themselves from the usual conceited and fabricated nature of pop-stars and celebrity culture. It sounds like a great idea, but of course, a concept is only one part to the recipe.

“Nobody knows my quirks – I’m not famous.”

“That’s my favourite thing – that I’m not famous… no.”

“Paparazzi, they don’t care where I go.”

A song constantly raving on about being glad that “I’m not famous” and that they lack haters seems to suggest the opposite, really. It’s the equivalent of saying “I’m not jealous, but…” before saying something that very much suggests that you are jealous. I’m sure a dilemma like this would’ve been more endearing if the topic wasn’t so silly…

Also, they sure seem to be opening themselves up to a lot of ‘haters’ with a song this obnoxious, but then again, the Jon Bellion-esque production is sure to appeal to many a listener with a hope for pop music that subverts cliché and sounds interesting in an increasingly ‘borrowed’ field as modern electro-pop. Thing is, AJR are as transparent as cellophane – seemingly colourful, but easy to see through the veneer.

Also, what on earth is that squealing on the chorus?

#2: Chris Brown – “Privacy”

Not that one would’ve expected more from Chris Brown – I don’t know many who would’ve been disappointed.

Nevertheless, here we are. One of his new songs (there are 45 of them on his album this year) came to my attention.

There is nothing unsexier than saying “Licking your private parts” in the hook of a glossy dance pop song, but then again, coming to Chris Brown for a ‘sexy’ dance pop song is like ordering a “tasty” meal from McDonald’s. Easy target, I know, but so is Chris Brown, I guess.

It’s a waste of energy to type much more about a genuinely yucky song that lacks the explosive bombast and outlandishness of a “Love Again (Akinyele Back)” or the hilarious punchlinesof a “CPR” or the self-awareness of a “Poetic Justice”. If I hear that second verse again, I’m going to need a shower too.

#1: Hopsin – “Happy Ending”

At least the previous nine tracks weren’t… racist?

Hopsin has often had a tasteless sense of humour, and when not being funny and trying to say something conscious and meaningful, he has still shown tastelessness.

This is Hopsin’s worst song yet, and “Happy Ending” beats all the competition by a long mile.

Aside from beginning right on a blatantly racist impersonation of an Asian masseuse and continuing by fabricating (I hope) a tale about paying for a massage service before the situation escalates into a full-on sex session. I regret to inform you, I am not kidding.

Hopsin has never been a subtle rapper, so every detail of the song is explained with the blatancy of an instruction manual. And the racist impersonation on the hook continues on the verses.

The ‘it’s a joke’ argument barely works because I can’t imagine why sitting through five minutes of a self-insert fanfiction about a ‘happy ending’ service at a massage parlour would have humorous appeal to anyone. Even if it was ironically, there’d be a point in the song where it’d start to become a little bit sad. Maybe… ten seconds in.

So who is “Happy Ending” made for? It doesn’t even slap, it’s blatantly racist, it’s another contribution to the fetishisation of Asian women, and it goes against many of the positives that people have been attracted to Hopsin for – being a raw, consciously-minded rapper with impressive flow and seemingly ‘witty’ lyrics and observations. No, I can’t see how even a Hopsin fan might find taste in this one.

There is a music video for this song, and it was taken down within a day or so. Shocking, I know.

Okay, there is one funny part – it’s not part of the song though. The album that it’s on is called No Shame.